I haven't been here for a while, as you all know. Life has been hectic, damn right awful this year...with a few exceptions of joy. I am frustrated right now and so I decided to get on here and read some words of life in the Shack Quote section. This is what I read and WOW. After I read the quote, I went to the entire thread...here is what Bill "Harry Tick" had to say:

"mart,

I would then encourage you to honor all the obligations you have to repay Christ for his loving kindness.

I have a question, though. Where did you get the idea that there is a Life-map? Is it possible that as much as you claim to have rejected the heresies you have encountered, that you are instead influenced by them, as much as we were/are, simply because they appealed to our flesh and its ability to understand?

Okay, I have a second question. Where is there freedom if, in the end, you must guard against the very thing you were reportedly set free from? Really, I have a lot of questions. Regarding the things Jesus said to do and don't do...don't you already want to do the things he said to do? Do you want to do the things he said not to do? Your answers to the question will most likely show that your struggles have less to do with your decisions and actions than they have to do with who you are.

A person who believes that they are a sinner, no matter how much they are reassured that their sins are forgiven, will continue to act like a sinner. A person who believes that they are a son or daughter of God and that their relationship with God is unassailable, will act out of the confidence of that belief. It is only the fear of "sinners" that says they will take advantage of that position to be a sinner. The sons and daughters of God do not have such fears or thoughts.

I do not reject you as a brother, mart. I do not accept that I should see you or myself as anything other than sons of God. To consider that we must be on the watch for these things that might make God unhappy with us, is to suggest that our relationship with him is in constant jeopardy. As if our salvation has been dependent upon us all along and not upon Jesus.

If it wasn't necessary for me to be perfect before the crucifixion and my realization of my salvation, tell me why it becomes so CRUCIAL afterwards? Was it Christ being perfect for me, in my stead or not? I do not think it can be both, because even God is just and not likely to submit someone to double jeopardy and try them twice for the same offense."

I was already on the verge of tears today and that just sent me over the edge. How many times have I come to this place of an identity crisis? How many times MUST I come to this identity crisis? Either He is in me or NOT. Either He is for me or NOT. Either it is finished or it is NOT. What is there to fear? Why do the lies sound so much more reliable than the truth? Jesus, I get sick of living such a double-minded life. The lie tells me that the Father is setting me up to just destory me, that if I relax my death-grip hold of perfectionism for ONE MOMENT everything, my entire world and every single of ounce of harmony and happiness, will shatter. But then, what happiness is there anyway when you are constantly moving, strategizing, trying not to fall down? The lie tells me that I am not here to BLESS and BE BLESSED but that I am a disease to myself and others. Literally, people, I live with these thoughts on a constant basis. But deep in my heart I KNOW that this is a lie. I just wish the liar would give up or I would give up arguing.

And then I think about the Father and I think about my Alex. It would certainly grieve me to know that Alex was always worried that somehow his life was a burden to me or that I had plans to harm him...or even that I did not love him and want the VERY BEST in the world for him. And, though I would in every way want him to know the depth of my love for him...if he didn't believe me, would that change anything? Not at all. My love for him is not dependent on whether he believes in it or not. So I believe that is how the Father feels about me.